Parodies
A Kender Went Down to Woodvale
To the tune of "A Devil Went Down to Georgia" by The Charlie Daniels Band
A Kender went down to Woodvale, he was looking for a pack to steal.
He was cross and whiny ‘cause he lost his shiny’s, he was desperate to make a deal.
When he came across this young Elf swingin' a sword and swingin' it hot
And the Kender jumped up on a stack of tomes and squeaked "Elf, let me tell you what”
“I bet you wouldn’t guess it, but I’m a melee fighter too.”
"And if you'd care to take a dare, I'll make a bet with you.”
"Now you swing a pretty good longsword, Elf, but give this Kender his due”
"I bet a gold piece sack against your pack, to prove I'm better than you."
The Elf said "My name's Elviso and I won’t use a shield”,
"We can fight it mean, but let’s keep it clean, let’s go ‘til someone yields."
Elviso loosen up your arm and keep your spellbook near
A thieving Kender’s come to town, his sights are on your gear
And if you win you get a heavy coinpurse full of jack
But if you lose, the Kender gets your pack!
The Kender drew a shiny sword, a smile now on his face
And fire blazed along the blade when he chittered out a phrase
He drew the sword across a rock and it burned it right in half
And he turned to face the Elf, trying hard now not to laugh
When the display had finished the Elf said "A nice show, you hack”
"But it’s pretty clear to me that there rock can’t strike you back”
Fire on the shortsword, run Elf, run.
Elviso draws his Vorpal time to have some fun
Kender’s on the retreat reaching in his pack
Elviso disarms him holding his blade against his neck
"Kender my blade bites"
"No, Elf, no!"
The Kender bowed his topknot ‘cause he knew that he'd been beat.
He laid the heavy bag of gold on the ground at Elviso’s feet.
Elviso said "Kender just come on back if you ever want to get beat…”
“Oh never mind” he thought as the Kender’s head bounced by his feet.
50 Ways to Kill a Kender
To the tune of Paul Simon's “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover”
“The problem is they steal the shiny stuff they see
That’s why they have to die” the Cleric said to me
“And though Paladin’s feel they have to do it Lawfully
There must be fifty ways to kill a Kender”
He said, “Although you like to wait for them to make a move,
And try to draw their own swords first, as your class would behoove
You can still take their lives in ways your deity approves
There must be fifty ways to kill a Kender.
Fifty ways to kill a Kender.”
You just poison your blade, Wade
Stick it in their back, Jack
Put an axe through their head, Ned
And make them all bleed
Bash them with a Mace, Ace
Just swing it at their face
Shoot an arrow with your bow, Moe
Till he no longer breathes
Ooo cast fireball, Paul
Let him take the lead, Reed
then push him off a cliff, Biff
and laugh as he screams
Let him untrap a door, Thor
Feed him to a Minotaur
Or bury him at sea, Lee
With a weight on his feet
I said, “It grieves me to think of doing such a crime….
Hey, where’s my Holy Sword? That rotten little slime!!!
I’ll disembowel him! He’s gone too far this time!!!
There must be fifty ways…..”
Cleric said, “Why don’t we just turn out the lights,
and wait with both our weapons drawn till later in the night,
when he comes back? We’ll say we thought he was a Wight.
There must be fifty ways to kill a Kender
Fifty ways to kill a Kender”
You just poison your blade, Wade
Stick it in their back, Jack
Put an axe through their head, Ned
And make them all bleed
Bash them with a Mace, Ace
Just swing it at their face
Shoot an arrow with your bow, Moe
Till he no longer breathes
Ooo cast fireball, Paul
Let him take the lead, Reed
then push him off a cliff, Biff
and laugh as he screams
Let him untrap a door, Thor
Feed him to a Minotaur
Or bury him at sea, Lee
With a weight on his feet
A Few of My Favorite Things
To the Tune of "My Favorite Things" from the Sound of Music Soundtrack. To be thought in Julie Andrews' singing voice
Kenders and Long Swords and gems by the Barrel,
Dragons and Dungeons and Clerics named Darryll
Paladin's, Chivalrous, in +4 Bling
These are a few of my favorite things
Wood Nymphs and Goblins and Orcs with Mustaches
Cone of Cold freezing my nose and eyelashes
Weapons of enchantment, made for a King
These are a few of my favorite things
When the Drow fights, when the steel stings, when I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel...........so bad.
Storm Giants and Satyrs and Mace of Disruption
Druids and Bladesingers, spells of Destruction
Large Bigby's Crushing Hand, wearing a ring
These are a few of my favorite things
When the Dwarf farts, when the trap springs, when the Ogre's mad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel...........so bad.
Beyond the Torchlight
To the tune of "Under the Boardwalk" As Performed by The Drifters
Oh when the dark beats down and the scratching sounds get close
And though your torch is lit, you still can't see much past your nose
Beyond the torchlight, deep in the dungeon
We've got our weapons drawn, I guess we're going in
(Beyond the torchlight)
The bowels of hell
(Beyond the torchlight)
Man, what's that smell?
(Beyond the torchlight)
Bad guys lying in wait
(Beyond the torchlight)
We boldly walk to our fates, beyond the torchlight, torchlight
We hear a grinding sound as the walls move along the floor
We try to wedge in shields as the Thief works on the door
Beyond the torchlight,
With our weapons and our spellbooks, we're ready to fight
(Beyond the torchlight)
Evil is lurking
(Beyond the torchlight)
Negotiations aren't working
(Beyond the torchlight)
Drow assassins attack
(Beyond the torchlight)
Kenders exploring our packs, beyond the torchlight, torchlight
Beyond the torchlight, down in a dungeon
In a battle with some baddies, that's where we'll be
Beyond the torchlight, in an old prison
In a battle with black puddings, that's where we'll be
Don't go Breaking My Sword
To the tune of Don't Go Breaking My Heart By Elton John and Kiki Dee
The curtains part as Elton Josh and Kiki DM emerge from center stage, each holds an immense microphone with a two-foot antenna sticking out of the bottom. They smile at each other and start singing:
Josh: Don't go breaking my sword!
DM: I'll break it if I can!
Josh: Oh Allen I'll get you pizza...
DM: That gets you out of this jam!
Josh: Don't go breaking my sword!
DM: Here comes a big Black Pudding...
Josh: Ooh Allen here's a nice cold soda
DM: Ooh it attacks someone else!
Both: Ooh-hoo, nobody suspects it
Josh: When my hit points were down
DM: I had you enter a town
Both: Ooh-hoo, nobody suspects it
Josh: Right from the go
DM: I gave you a +3 bow
Josh: Ooh-hoo, I got you a bowl of chili
Josh: So don't go breaking my sword
DM: I might go breaking your sword
Both: Don't go breaking my sword
Josh: And nobody noticed
DM: `Cause nobody's sober
Josh: Say I'd like some new armor...
DM: That works, I'm hungry again
Josh: The Bladesinger's annoying
DM: My pop's not overflowing...
Josh: Here's a cold one my friend
DM: Elviso just met his end!
Dungeon Nights
To the tune of "Summer Nights" as sung by John Travolta and Olivia Newton John
Ahz is sitting on a bar stool surrounded by thieves and ruffians, while across town Toki is at a Shaolin Monastery, surrounded by bald monks in orange robes.
Ahz: Dungeon battles, fought us a Ghast
Toki: Dungeon Battles, Fireball was cast
Ahz: Met a Monk, traveled with me
Toki: Met some dude, he was a Thief
Both: Dungeon maze, trapped there for days, which lead to the dungeon fights
Thieves: Well-a well-a well-a huh
Tell me more, tell me more
Could he hit hard enough?
Monks: Tell me more, tell me more
Did he go through your stuff?
Ahz: He stood by me, covered my back
Toki: …hid behind me, went through my pack
Ahz: He saved my life, from those 6 Drows
Toki: …stole my coin purse, still not sure how
Both: Loot we won, sure weighed a ton, which we got from those dungeon fights
Thieves: Well-a well-a well-a huh
Tell me more, tell me more
Did he fight with a staff?
Monks: Tell me more, tell me more
Did you tithe at least half?
Ahz: Took him scouting past enemy lines
Toki: He snuck off and drank all the wine
Ahz: He had traits I came to admire
Toki: …used my Bo Staff as wood for the fire
Both: Dungeon crawl, Orcs in the hall, they draw arms, it’s a dungeon fight!
Thieves: Well-a well-a well-a huh
Tell me more, tell me more
Did you fight man to man?
Monks: Tell me more, tell me more
What happened after he ran?
Ahz: We got friendly, brothers in arms
Toki: He got friendly, I kept him from harm
Ahz: Stole his gear, he didn’t know.
Toki: Hey, where did my belt of strength go????
Both: Lost the map, checking for traps, weapons out for a dungeon fight
Thieves: Well-a well-a well-a huh
Tell me more, tell me more
Was there treasure galore?
Monks: Tell me more, tell me more
Did he untrap the door?
Ahz: Escaped the dungeon, that’s where it ends
Toki: Then he said, “Hey, let’s still be friends”
Ahz: As he slept I stole all his stuff
Toki: …caught red handed, I treated him rough
Both: Though he’s mad, we’ll always have, oh those Dungeon Fights
All: Tell me more, tell me more
Failed Save
To the tune of "Jailbreak" by AC/DC
There were friends of my in melee
With a giant undead snake
Magic spells and swords were flying
In the underground cavern lake
When the Paladin got sloppy
He turned to help the Thief
The evil undead fangs reached out
Pumped in a whole mess of grief
Looks like you've had a failed save!
And you're lying on your back
Too bad you've had a failed save!
Hey, let's see what's in his pack!
All in the name of chivalry
He's very LG!
Failed save, don't take my sword!
Failed save, hey, I'm not dead yet!
Failed save, DM!
It seems he saw his friend being chewed on
By that big white snake
His friend was down, the snake attacked
Pulled him back into the lake
Venom started flying everywhere
The Thief started to scream!
Paladin lying on the floor
With a hole in his neck
Where his life blood streamed
But it was all in the name of chivalry
All in the name of chivalry
Now someone save me!
Failed save, failed save
Can I re-roll?
Whose got a card?
His heartbeat started fading
His blood, we could wade-in
Cleric, potions, hands in motion
He survived the confusion
With a Kender transfusion!
Great Friendly Fire
To the tune of "Great Balls of Fire" by Jerry Lee Lewis
You fried my sword and melted it to my hand
How much high voltage can a Bladesinger stand?
You hit us all, with Fireball
Goodness, Gracious, Great Friendly Fire!
You melt my helm and you smoldered my shield,
Me and the enemy are trying to yield
Hey Wizard mon, whose side you on?
Goodness, Gracious, Great Friendly Fire!
You Color Sprayed me, woo-ooooooo Blind me good
Hold on Mage, learn to cast at bad guys like a Wizard should
Your spell, I'm held
Lightning Bolt's hitting me as well, well, well, well-ell
The Cleric Cringes when you're raising your hand
The Thief does duck and cover at your command
You start to cast, here comes the Blast!
Goodness, Gracious, Great Friendly Fire!
{Piano Solo}
Well heal me Cleric, woo-oooooo it feels good
Spare me Mage, Watch for where you're casting like a Wizard should
Cone of Cold, Trapped Soul
The Friendly Fire damage takes it's toll, toll, toll, toll-oll
The Cleric Cringes when you're raising your hand
The Thief does duck and cover at your command
You start to cast, here comes the Blast
Goodness, Gracious, Great Friendly Fire!
I say Goodness, Gracious, Great Friendly Fire.....oooh.....
Guy Mandude
To the tune of "Katmandu" by Bob Seger
I think I'm running from Guy Mandude
That's really, really what I'm going to do
If we ever survive this fight
I'm running from Guy Mandude
G-g-g-g-g-g-Guy Mandude
I'll even leave my share of loot with you
If I ever get out of here
Good-bye to Guy Mandude
I got no kick against the Paladin
Pious demeanor and that two-foot chin
Swinging that demon-sword, he's sure to win
He's gotta know it's true
I got no rap against that Kung Fu Monk
They say he's useless, what a bunch of bunk
He'll use his Ki Strike and make you his punk
Just watch for Vampires, dude
But boy I'm running from Guy Mandude
His ranged attacks vary by his mood
I'm tired of being held and smacked and chewed
It's what I got to do
G-g-g-g-g-g-Guy Mandude
That's really, really what I'm going to do
If we ever survive this one
I'm running from Guy Mandude
I got nothing against our party Thief
How he can drink so much is beyond belief
His uncanny dodge causes the bad guys grief
Swords seem to pass right through
I know I'm gonna miss our Cleric friend
Without his healing for myself I'll fend
Maybe he's got a few potions to lend
His holy powers are true
That's why I'm running from Guy Mandude
Any direction I won't even pack food
If we ever get through this fight
That's what I'm gonna do
G-g-g-g-g-g-Guy Mandude
Cleric help me cause I'm down again
Lightning bolt's causing me great pain
I'm gone from Guy Mandude
Got no quarrel with any NPC
They're got to betray us it's clear to me
They serve a purpose, they've got to be
They've even helped us too
I'm tired of eating all those fireballs
So tired of color spray and dead-end halls
Of cone of cold and foggy walls
I'm twenty-three skidoo
I'm really gone from Guy Mandude
Right over mountains even, I'm going to
If we ever survive this fight
That's what I'm gonna do
G-g-g-g-g-g Guy Mandude
Really, really, really, going to
If we ever survive this fight
If we ever survive the night
If I ever get out of here,
I'm leaving Guy Mandude
Guyman Dude
To the tune of The Coasters' “Charlie Brown"
Fe-fe, fi-fi, fo-fo, fum
Our mage cast fireball, everybody run!
Guyman Dude, Guyman Dude
He's got no clue, that Guyman Dude
He's gonna kill us
Let's all wait and see
(Why is everybody always running from me?)
He’s got his spell components
And that evil grin
He’s pointing at ground zero now
We’re never gonna win!
Guyman Dude, Guyman Dude
He's awfully rude, that Guyman Dude
He's gonna fry us
Teammates can’t you see?
(Why is everybody always standin’ behind me?)
Who's shooting lightning through the wall
Who's cone-of-colding down the hall
Who’s color-spraying one and all
Guess who (who, me?) yeah, you!
Who runs from encounters, flying high
Who thinks it’s OK if everyone but him dies
Guyman Dude, Guyman Dude
He's very shrewd, that Guyman Dude
He's gonna drown us
DM hear our plead
(Why is everybody always nervous ‘round me?)
[Instrumental Interlude]
Who walks in the tavern, drinks his fill
Who hides in the bathroom, when we get the bill!
Guyman Dude, Guyman Dude
He's on ‘ludes, that Guyman Dude
He's gonna slay us
DM watch us bleed
(Why is Vorpal Chaos always pickin' on me?)
Happy Paladin
By Biff The Bluesleeves
I was a Happy Paladin, out wandering the land.
To serve and to protect the good I do all that I can.
I was one day afflicted with a misery profound
when a Kender sought to follow me like a shadow on the ground.
I asked him once, I asked him nice to please leave me alone.
He said "Hey how's it going guys? Is that a shiny stone?
And can pigs fly? Look at the sky! And can I use my knack
for handling and chattering and searching through your pack?"
For days I trudged in silence as his idle prattle fell
upon my ears until my fears confirmed I was in Hell.
I asked my deity for strength to brave the loud assault,
cause if I turned to strangle him it wouldn't be my fault.
The days turned into weeks and more and still he chattered on
of ceiling wax and shiny stones and paramours named Don.
I had not slept in 30 days, my eye began to twitch.
I started making plans to slay and leave him in a ditch.
But when my hand had found my hilt he turned to me to say,
"Why, thank you for your company, so please enjoy your day!"
I looked and Lo! A fork in road did part him from my way!
I dropped down and on grateful knees in tears did I then pray.
And when I stood it felt just like a heavy weight was lifted,
And whistling I skipped in joy in the silence I was gifted.
Still whistling that night at camp I was horridly surprised
To hear a high pitched voice call out, "Hey, how's it going guys?"
The twitch returned, I slowly turned and stared him in the face.
He sat down and dug into my pack as if he owned the place.
"Yeah, I got lost. I sure am glad you're here!" he brightly said.
"I'll stick with you from here on out. Now let's just go to bed!"
And saying that he fell right back into a fitful sleep,
and left me wondering how I now would stand the little creep.
My twitch returned, my body yearned to kill him as he slept,
But I resolved instead to run, and to my feet I leapt.
I tried as quietly as I could to gather up my gear,
Moving like a church mouse so that Kender wouldn't hear.
But as I made my getaway with all my travel crap
I stepped too hard upon a twig, and Kender heard the snap.
He jumped up and his wounded eyes fixed me with accusation
I kicked my helmet, threw my pack and shouted in frustration.
"Oh Why Mr. Paladin, why?" he asked me with a whine.
I pondered for a moment, and then handed him a line.
"This isn't what it looks, " I said, now thinking on my feet
"My fear was for your breakfast now, and what my friend would eat.
The worry was so great", I lied, "that sleeping was no good.
And so I thought I'd find some roots and berries in the woods."
This awful lie I had just told, he bought it with a smile
so by the time he fell asleep I had run o'er a mile.
I ran and ran, I did not stop and when the sunrise came
I doubled pace as if my feet were held into a flame.
The Kender came around no more, I lost him on that day.
The fact I was completely lost was a small price to pay.
I'll find my way back to my path, resume my trek and then
I'll keep an arrow notched in case I find my Kender friend.
I Am The Paladin
To the tune of "The Warrior", by Scandal
They run, run, run about
Their chittering, their lack of doubt
Drinking all your potions down
Embarrassing you when you're in town
Having no sense of "this is mine"
Only looking for a good time
Clearly no masters of brevity
Exploring every cavity
Like 5 year old's
Only fun when the body's cold
Hacking at the necks of Kenders
Slash, Slash
I am the Paladin
Well I am the Paladin
And I'll remove your lungs
You won't survive the Paladin, the Paladin
They talk, talk, and talk some more
They leave your stuff all on the floor
Picking fights with giant beasts
Running away making you a feast
What is up with these little freaks?
These little thieves these little sneaks
Don't get too close - things disappear
Time for a steel boot right up their rear
Stabbing at the spleens of Kenders
Gouge, gouge
I am the Paladin
Well I am the Paladin
Kender skinning's what I do
You won't survive the Paladin, the Paladin!
I am the Paladin
Cutting out the hearts of Kenders
Stab, stab
I am the Paladin
Their hearts I'll eat for lunch!
They won't survive the Paladin, the Paladin!
Josh the Paladin
To the tune of "John the Fisherman" by Primus
When he was young you’d catch him polishing his cleft
His mind would be on Evil’s slaughter
Always the focus of chaotic good ridicule
He never leered at Merchants daughters
Became a squire to learn to defend the weak
A lonely boy finds peace in sword play
The people say Josh what are you some dumb self-denial freak?
Don’t you see the life that you are missing?
And he says…
When I grow up I want to cleave
All of the Evil that I can see
So I can battle Beholder Kin
I want to be a Paladin
Now years go by we find a man that rides a horse
And dresses up in shiny armor
To kill a dragon and save a small community
He needs to be more than a farmer
He tolerates non-lawful members of his group
When they go out on an adventure
And he says…
Guys I’m with you but can’t you see
Backstabbing foes is iniquity?
I am above that kind of sin
I have to be a Paladin
I’ll live and die a Paladin
Call me Josh the Paladin.
Call me Josh the Paladin
Call me Josh the Paladin
Kender of the Morning
To the tune of Juice Newton’s “Angel of the Morning”
There’ll be no gear left in your pack
Not if my hands get past your knot
And there’s no dexterous skills I lack
I like your shiny things a lot!
I see no reason to wake you up
You'll just get cross and yell at me
Just call me Kender of the morning, Kender
Just keep sleeping upon your bedroll
Oh my buddy!
Just call me Kender of the morning, Kender
I wonder how all these potions taste?
I hope the sunlight will be late
Nearly explored all my group's stuff
If they just keep on sleeping late
I think five minutes will be enough
Imagine letting me be guard
Boy I hope I get it again tonight!
Oh my buddies!
Just call me Kender of the morning, Kender
Boy this ornate dagger is nice!
Just call me Kender of the morning
And sleep while I dig through your loot
Buddy buddy buddy
Kender Slay
To the tune of "Maggie May" by Rod Stewart
Wake up Kender, the party's got something to say to you.
We took a vote this morning, and as it turns out we’re killing you.
Never laughed at none of your jokes, killing you in your sleep would be no hoax.
Oh Kender can’t keep you alive, anymore.
Ya got us kicked out of our new home, stealing jewels from the good kings throne,
he wants our heads and that’s a pain I can do without!
This rope of mine, tied around your neck really shows the veins,
but that won't matter much when the magic-user fries your brains...
Oh you didn't keep us amused, you'd look funny if your knees were fused!
Oh Kender we wish we'd never seen your race!
This is painful that I can see, why'd you trip the cleric when he was trying to pee?
You gave him flowers.....but he hates you anyway!
I suppose I could wake up the thief and he could backstab you,
or ask the fighter nicely, I'm sure he'd run you through...
or find ourselves a marauding Orc band, for some coppers I bet they'd lend a hand.....
Oh Kender I wish we'd never seen your race!!!
We'll make this right, and get back home .......one of these days…
Whoooooooohooooo...............
Kender
To the tune of Sting’s “Russians”
By special guest writer, Steve Binder (Who's decidedly pro-Kender)
In Krynn and in Grey Hawk
There’s a growing sound of Squawk, squawk, squawk.
Conditioned to respond with an all night bender
In the never ending speeches of the Kender
My Paladin said we will bury you
I don’t subscribe to this point of view
It might be a pleasurable thing to do
But the Kender love their children too.
How can I save my Kender Lad
With that adventure party so darn mad
They’ll sit his throat with a rusty sword
and all because the Kender was board.
We share the same stuff in my pouch
I swear I found it in the couch.
Believe me when I say to you
I think the Kenders love their children too.
No human Thief, fighter or mender
need put extra words in the mouth of Kender.
For those who “borrow” and run away,
Come back to “borrow” another day.
The Ranger said we will protect you
I wish you’d subscribe to this point of view
Believe me when I say to you
I know the Kender love their children too.
Kender
To the tune of Concrete Blonde’s “Joey”
Kender, really-let me explain things
Gold coins, diamonds…personal items
I know I’ve said it all before
That if you take my stuff once more
I’m gonna halve, quarter
and eighth you with my sword.
Although you said that you would try
To keep from taking what is mine
I see my pack has got your eager hands inside
Oh Kender, if you touch my stuff you die
Theft not funny-Give back my money
“Handling” is stealing, soon you’ll need healing
And if you act like you’re confused
And didn’t know this was my room
I think you know that I’m not falling for that ruse.
So now I’m going to close this door,
And then I’m going to draw my sword,
I’ll send you to collect your
e-ter-nal reward
Oh Kender, time to even up the score
Lay Your Hands On Me (The Cleric Song)
To the tune of "Lay Your Hands On me" by Bon Jovi
If you're injured, I'm willing and able
Help me lay my potions on the table
Cure Serious Wounds is yours for the taking
You took that blow, I heard your ribs all breaking
My fighting powers not always what you see
But Spiritual Hammer's guaranteed
They say my gift of healing is what they need
They sing this same old song as they turn blue
Chorus
Lay your hands on me, lay your hands on me, lay your hands on me,
Lay your hands on me, lay your hands on me, lay your hands on me,
Lay your hands on me
I'm a fighter and of sorts I'm a preacher
Get out my Holy Symbol and I'll smite this Creature
If you get wounded and lay down on the ground
I'll heal you up again, you'll never ever fall back down
I'll back you up, and it's what you need
Insect Swarm is guaranteed
But I don't read minds, so just ask it of me
If you want me to lay my hands on you say,
Chorus
Lay your hands on me, lay your hands on me, lay your hands on me,
Lay your hands on me, lay your hands on me, lay your hands on me,
Lay your hands on me
Solo
Don't you know I only heal to please
if you want me to lay my hands on you
Lay your alms on me.
Lock-N-Guile Rock
To the tune of Elton John's “Crocodile Rock
I remember when the trap was sprung
Ahz took damage and collapsed a lung
with his hand he tried to set the bone
when the party had run off and they left him alone
But the biggest kick he ever got
was hearing tumblers turning inside a lock
While the other guys were fighting til they drop
He was robbing and jobbing doing the lock-n-guile rock
Well lock-n-guile rocking is done by clocking
when the strike plate'll take a spill
Ahz sells insurance on the side with Diplomacy high skill
Oh! Many monsters have lost their life
felt a backstab from Ahz's knife
with his Hide in Shadows Ahz was out of sight
But the years went by and the Thief just lied
sold some fake insurance to some Death Knight guy
Long days running from that Unholy Sword
caught and then sent to his eternal reward
But they'll never kill the thrills he'd got
looting chests doing the lock-n-guile rock
Learned at last as his life went past
selling fraud to a Death Knight bites you in the aft
Well lock-n-guile rocking is done by clocking
when you'd best make out a will
Rip off a Fighter with red eyes and your Death Screams will be shrill
Oh! What a salesman, he lost his life
left a widowed Umberhulk wife
now he's six feet under Ahz is out of sight
Looting in the Throne Room
To the tune of "Smoking in the Boys Room" by Brownsville Station
(Talking)
Did you ever have one of those campaigns
where everything seems to be on your case
from the random encounters all the way up to the level boss?
Well, that used to happen to us all the time,
until we found a way to get out of it.
Slogging through a dungeon lookin' out for traps
Random encounters, no one’s got a map
When our thief makes a roll, finds a hidden door
We enter a room, treasure ceiling to the floor!
Looting in the throne room
Looting in the throne room
DM don't you fill me with encumbrance rules
I'm pretty sure my Elf can carry six thousand jewels
Checking out the weapons seeing if they glow
This big two-hander here has runes from head to toe
My buddies Ahz, Guy, Toki & Mag
Won't even notice if I put it in my bag!
Looting in the throne room
Looting in the throne room
DM don't you fill us, with your encumbrance talks
Magog's pretty sure he can carry three water clocks
Sweeping the last silver pieces from the floor
When in walks not one but three demon lords
Toki was looking for Ahz all around
Two seconds later you know where we were found
Running from the throne room
Running from the throne room
Yeah yeah DM don’t you bother with your encumbrance chat
‘Cause Vorpal Chaos knows that we should leave loot where it’s at
Martial Arts Man
To the tune of "Rock and Roll Band" by Boston
Yeah, he was just another Monk at the Dojo,
Learning combat with his hands and feet.
Fighting with a stick and swearing off the chicks,
And his chai would really boost his speed.
No, he never had no money
He always had the Paladin buy.
But when the battle began then Shilo was your man
He made people die.
Martial Arts Man
See the Bad Guys waiting
Beat them down
With all the blows you’re trading
Blood
They’re losing
Hey, hey, hey
Fighting with some thieves at a tavern,
He was getting pretty good dealing pain
Knocking out his foes and using flurry of blows
They felt like they’d been hit by a train
Living on Martial Arts training, never worried about Orcs he was dissin’
Cause his trained three inch punch could make facial bone crunch
And their heads go missing.
Martial Arts Man
See the Bad Guys waiting
Beat them down
With all the blows you’re trading
Blood
They’re losing
Hey, hey, hey
Cursed with a nightmare every evening,
A man walks Shilo’s dreams each night.
He runs from garlic wreaths and has some long canine teeth
And he kicks poor Shilo’s butt in a fight
Losing has just made him determined
He trains with a fierce dedication
If he sees that stupid vampire again he’ll get rematch vindication
Martial Arts Man
See the Bad Guys waiting
Beat them down
With all the blows you’re trading
Blood
They’re losing
Hey, hey, hey
Material Plane
To the tune of Madonna's “Material Girl”
He claims she cooks, he claims she cleans
But we've never met her
The Paladin says he has a wife
But we just can't be sure-er
Says he met her in a forest
On a moonless night (that's right)
Says she has a high charisma
And knows how to figh-ight
He says he's:
Living on the material plane
(He claims) with an ethereal dame
He says that he is living with an ethereal dame
Right here on the material plane
We try to meet her, try to greet her
But she's always away (away)
We're starting to even wonder
If that's where she stay-ays
We sent Ahz over, under cover
Peered in a window
He saw an Umberhulk named Randy
Rubbing Magog's toe-oes,
cause they are
(chorus)
Living on the material plane (material)
Living on the material plane
(repeat)
Now that we know, we've let it go
We don't bother him (oh well!)
If it makes our Paladin happy
We say "don't ask don't tell"
cause everybody's
(chorus)
The material, the material, the material, the material plane
Living on the material plane [material]
Living on the material plane
(repeat and fade)
Monk
To the tune of President's of the United States “Lump”
Monk stands alone with a staff in his hand
has different fighting skills than the rest of his band
Fighting with an Orc but he don't want to kill him,
he'd rather try subdue or a blow flurry to still him
He's Monk, He's Monk, He's Monk
He will not slay
He's Monk, He's Monk, He's Monk
But that's okay
Monk is a big time peaceful man
wouldn't touch a sword now but he'll drop you with his hand
Only uses Bolos and Saps and 'Chucks
His one inch punch will hit your sternum like a truck
He's Monk, He's Monk, He's Monk
He will not slay
He's Monk, He's Monk, He's Monk
But that's okay
Monk has Dex that's obscene, a real Monkey Man,
do a Triple Roundhouse kick and drill you in the can
He only cares about perfecting his moves
He's bald and unarmed so he's got something to prove
He's Monk, He's Monk, He's Monk
He meditates
He's Monk, He's Monk, He's Monk
He's celibate
Is this Monk shaving his head?
I think so
Would this Monk make someone dead?
I think no
Could this Monk ever be wed?
I think no
Could this Monk fill folks with dread?
I think no
Munchkin Weapon Boy
To the tune of "London Leatherboys" by Accept
Going through your knapsack
I see your Cube of Force
You have +10 mithril
barding your horse
See the Ring of Wishes
It’s sparkling on your hand
Your deity is yours to command.
The party’s bound together,
to give each other help.
But when Tarrasque attacks us,
you kill him yourself.
Use Powder of Healing
To season your food
Red Dragons think that you are one bad dude
Munchkin Weapon Boy
Limbs get severed, when you grapple
Munchkin Weapon Boy
Lives forever
When you loot the bad guys
Your finds put us in shock,
Mace of Disruption
Found in a sock?
Don’t you see the problem
When bracers and a ring
Give you an 87 Strength?
Munchkin Weapon Boy
Limbs get severed, with your arrows
Munchkin Weapon Boy
Commands Weather
Manual of Puissant Arms- your bathroom reading book
Killed Thor and Odin- with just a look
You’re the easy rider- with Sleipnir as your steed
You’d kill an army using Great Cleave
Belt of Feather
Conjure Nether
You are better
Than us together
Munchkin Weapon Boy
Limbs get severed, when you grapple
Munchkin Weapon Boy
Lives forever
Need Nineteen
To the tune of "Hey Nineteen" by Steely Dan
I had a Thief at level 7
He was real handy at picking locks
Sweet stats for trap checks, but had to make them
I rolled a two, I may as well have knocked
No Nineteen
I needed at least eleven,
Now can’t find traps at all
Please open the door and we’ll find out
Need nineteen to make this backstab
This Umberhulk will never know
If I miss then I may not survive this
DM thinks I’m crazy, but I’m just growing bold
Hey Nineteen
We’ll kill this thing together
Just one hit and he’ll fall
We’ll roll high and get x3 modifier
Dice
Sure rolled good
Roll a little higher now
The Saving Throw
Attempts at stunning
Make this roll a wonderful thing
Roll it again
The Saving Throw
Attempts at stunning
Make this roll a wonderful thing
So we rolled natural twenty
Now we’ll confirm the crit
+4 Compound
To the tune of Roxette's “All Over Now”
Lay projectile, suppressing fire
Opponents cringing on the ground
I nock two arrows, and then I fire.
They hit two people, and strike them down
With a bow proficiency
I join the fray
With both eyes shut, I can shoot flies off a cow
My aim is so good, my opponents say “Wow!”
The rumors go round, and they say I’m part Drow
But I’m only an Elf, with a +4 compound
In my party, I’m the archer
And I get six shots per round
Wax my bowstring, made of Troll gut
It’s got a pull of 40 pounds
I have a name, you human fool
It’s not Legolas
With both eyes shut, I can shoot flies off a cow
My aim is so good, my opponents say “Wow!”
The rumors go round, and they say I’m part Drow
But I’m only an Elf, with a +4 compound
Bladesinger
To the tune of Black Sabbath's "Ironman"
I -- Am -- Bladesinger
He has slaughtered mimes, killing Kenders 3 at a time
Dragons fear his sword, all the towns give him awards
Are they live or dead? Wait, I see they have no heads
We'd best leave him alone. Hide 'til he leaves our time zone
His sword's magic steel, making badness run and squeal
The Scourge of Kendermore, leaves their entrails on the floor
Evilness fears him, he stalks relentlessly
Cutting down Kenders, ending their lives bloodily
Soon it will be time, for him to hunt the King of Mimes
Pantomime your pain, his sword expresses his disdain
Wickedness fears him, they can't run fast enough
Chittering Kenders, soon they won't stain the world
Quiet boots of leather, swings his sword like it's a feather
Running as fast as he can, Bladesinger is the man
Bladesinger
To the tune of "Painkiller" by Judas Priest
Faster than a Dervish
With the Quickdraw skill
Always cuts the ears off
As a trophy from his kills
Spells cast as he’s swinging
Boosting all his stats
For 10 rounds he’s 40 Armor class
He is the Bladesinger
This is the Bladesinger
Showing off his prowess
Vorpal in his hand
He slays and guts opponents of
His rag-tag little band
Through chittering crowds of Kenders
Swinging sword of steel
Silencing them with the death he deals
He is the Bladesinger
This is the Bladesinger
Faster than a Thief with treasure
Tougher than a room of Trolls
Like Rob Halford clad in Leather,
Says “Some Heads are Gonna Roll!”
Sporting scars from battle
Proudly on his face
Closer look will tell you
That his ear is out of place
When he hits 16th level
The benefits abound
He’ll have an obscene 6 attacks per round!!
He is the Bladesinger
This is the Bladesinger
Nerves of steel Bladesinger
Full of zeal Bladesinger
Bungle In The Dungeon
To the tune of Jethro Tull's "Bungle in the Jungle"
Cleric sees water trickle under a door
He turns the door knob because he wants to see more
Thousands of Gallons explode out into the hall
The Cleric is swept up and slammed into the wall
Out cold and he's drowning for the mistake that he's made
The Paladin Saves him and then gives him First Aid
That's Bungle in The Dungeon---Well we've all had our turn
Foolish choices at the wrong time, it just seems like we'll never learn
Approaching the Gingerbread house as a pair
The Thief and the Paladin are caught unaware
The Black Pudding charges and the pair doubles back
The Thief stops to fish a lantern out of his pack
The Pudding engulfs him and the Paladin too
Their weapons are eaten and they're left in the nude
That's Bungle in The Dungeon---Well we've all had our turn
Foolish choices at the wrong time, it just seems like we'll never learn
The Invisible Bladesinger alone in a fight
with a Witch that he's grappled with all of his might
She's flying, this hasn't gone quite like he planned
Mage opens the trapdoor to give Elviso a hand
He conjures some Lightning and it strikes with a flash
The Witch makes her save, and the Bladesinger is ash
That's Bungle in The Dungeon---Well we've all had our turn
Foolish choices at the wrong time, it just seems like we'll never learn
Come Flail Away
To the tune of "Come Sail Away" by Styx
I'm flailing away,
on a kobold horde for attacking me
Cuz I need more XP,
XP to raise my life, that we call HP
I found the chief captain, of the kobold hoard
Well search his dead body, for loot galore
And they'll die, oh lord, they'll die, die for my god
I look for XP,
a secret passage waits, just ahead of me
Some locked and, some trapped,
I dream of magic boots, and a treasure map
We cleared out this level, so the DM told
But somehow we missed out on their treasure trove
But well try best that we can to slay them all
A gathering of harpies appeared above my head
They sang to me this taunt of hope, and this is what they said
They said come flail away, come flail away
Come flail away on me
Come fail away, come fail away
Come fail away on me
I thought that they were harpies, but to my surprise
They transformed into dragons, and melted both my eyes
Singing come flail away, come flail away
Come flail away on me
Come flail away, come flail away
Come flail away on me
DM
To the tune of "DJ" by David Bowie (Dedicated to a former VC DM)
Roll dice, it’s my job
I’ll set my screen up here
This module is easy experience
Roll for initiative, I suppose
I think I’ll go first
Baatezu make their attacks
All swing at Tinran, what do you know?
I am the DM, you’ll do what I say
Gonna allow that, gonna allow it
I am the DM, you’ll do what I say
Gonna allow that, gonna allow it
I am the DM, we don’t have all day
You’ve had your turn now (heh, heh)
And now it’s me
One more weekend
of level 60 monsters
Outclassed, now you’re surrounded
Humbled by a Demon Horde
I am the DM, you’ll do what I say
Can’t drink that potion, can’t drink the potion
I am the DM, you can’t go that way
I won’t allow that, I won’t allow it
I am the DM, Bald Elf’s in your way
He is omniscient (heh, heh)
Believe you me
I am the DM, it’s your lucky day
You’ve been dismembered, been dismembered
I am the DM, direct how you play
Don’t question my rolls, don’t question them
I am the DM, come enter the fray
You’ve got a fate point (heh, heh)
Time flies when you’re having fun
Break your sword, take your life
You used to be so strong and now you’re down to minus hit points
I am the DM, and I’m not a cheater
I’m not a cheater
I’m not a cheater
I’m not a cheater, believe me
I’m not a cheater
I am the DM, you’ll do what I say
I am the DM
FrienD&Ds Theme Song
To the tune of The Rembrandts “I'll Be There For You”
Your Mage is casting but you still got in the way
You’re hit by Cone of Cold, then downed by Color Spray
When he casts spells you’re never standing clear;
You’ve been poisoned, strangled, stabbed and shot
By your friendly firing peers
But, they’ll be there for you (when hit points drop to four)
They’ll be there for you (when you untrap that door)
They’ll be there for you
‘Cause you’re part of their crew
You thought it had one head,
Turns out Hydra has eight
It wins initiative
And now here comes its mate
Your DM warned you there’d be fights like these
Oh but he didn’t tell you when the Umberhulk has forced
You down to your knees that…
They’ll be there for you (when they’ve had a good laugh)
They’ll be there for you (when they’ve gone through your pack)
They’ll be there for you
‘Cause you’re part of their crew
They’ll never leave you stranded
When melee blows are landed
They will return the stuff they stole from you
When you demand it
Someone to split the loot with
Someone to slash and shoot with
To give Kenders the boot with
Even at your worst you’re best with them, yeah
It’s like a Monster’s always lurking near
But if you’re seized by sudden terror when a Lich is casting Fear
They’ll be there for you (to help you save for half)
They’ll be there for you (‘cause the Mage wants its staff)
They’ll be there for you
‘Cause you’re part of their crew
They’ll be there for you
They’ll be there for you
They’ll be there for you
‘Cause you’re part of their crew
No More Mr. White Knight
To the tune of Alice Cooper’s “No More Mr. Nice Guy”
I used to be such a chivalrous thing
‘Til the Kenders stole from me
I rescued damsels from mean old dragons
I helped the starved and weak
I got no friends since I cleaved that puppy
For barking at my steed, when I took my long sword out
And I carved into his spleen
No more Mr. Cleft Chin
No more toothy gleam
No more Mr. White Knight
Now I make them run and scream
I got no friends ‘cause I razed a village
And set that Demon free, and I’m feeling most put out
So I’ll hang you from a tree
No more Mr. Cleft Chin
No more toothy gleam
No more Mr. White Knight
Now I make them run and scream
I poured poison on my blade today
And stuck it through the eye
Of a blind and orphaned one armed beggar
I laughed and watched him die
I crept unnoticed to a campsite
And while some merchant dozed, I slipped on my
Spiked black gauntlets, and hammered him with blows
He cried
No more Mr. Cleft Chin
No more toothy gleam
No more Mr. White Knight
He said “You’re on Evil’s Team!”
No more Mr. Cleft Chin
No more toothy gleam
No more Mr. White Knight
Now I make them run and scream
Pair of Dice and a Clipboard Night
To the tune of "Paradise by the Dashboard Lights" by Meatloaf
Dennis:
I remember to grab everything
As I jump into my black Grand Prix
Pencils in my hand
And now my Bladesinger is set to fight
Soon I’m roaring down the road
Doing 85 in a school zone
As I drive down to Tim’s
For our monthly Dungeon gaming night
Josh:
And now the DM begins the tale to set the stage
About an army of Zombies and an Evil Mage
And we’re going down to give that Mage the fight of his life
Going down to give that Mage the fight of his life
But look out! There’s a Wight!
But look out! There’s a Wight!
DM:
Though I rolled a fumble to the group’s delight,
You can’t beat a Pair of Dice and a Clipboard night
Dave:
Cleric casts a spell
And now the group is Blessed
So then I’ll heal your battle wounds
And you’ll be at your best
Jeff:
Ain’t no joke about it
The party never fails to shout it
Ain’t no joke about it
That it’s my secret shame
Cause when “Shilo” is said they sing
“I used to call your name”
Tim:
DM don’t you see my roll,
Is it enough to make a check for traps?
I’m gonna move real slow
And give that rusty old pull ring a tug
When I hear a muffled click
I know that soon I’m gonna regret it
I’m squeezing shut my eyes. A trap? What a surprise!
I hate it when I’m right
Now I’ve gotta make a save for half
John:
And now from murder holes the darts begin to fly
I roll concurrent ones and catch one in the eye.
Now I’m going to counteract the poison so I don’t die
Going to counteract the poison so I don’t die
Cast Restore on my sight
Cast Restore on my sight
Josh:
Though the eyes are glowing on that black Death Knight
You can’t beat a Pair of Dice and a Clipboard night
Pair of Dice and a Clipboard night
Jeff:
We’ve got to do what we can
To repel this Death Knight led attack
Ain’t no doubt about it
There’s no turning back
I’m gonna do Flurry of Blows
and give this dude a…
DM:
He’s gonna run away from the fight
He’s gonna run away
And preserve his life….
OK there he goes, he’s got a real Move base there, despite his plate armor. Here comes the party hot in pursuit, 2 attacks, wounds inflicted, no kills. Bottom of the round it’s a roll for initiative, and there it is. DM rolls a 10, the party with a 3. Death Knight cornered, takes a stand. He steps up and
Dennis:
Stop right there!
I gotta know right now!
Before you roll any damage--!
Did he hit me?
I have the Uncanny Dodge skill
AC 40
I have a Dex of 18
You know I cast Mage Armor at the start of my turn
And my Weapon of Legend will protect me from burns,
And from poison,
Stun and damage from cold
Stops all bleeding
Makes me Invisible
It will take all received damage and reduce it by half
And is perpetually casting Tasha’s Hideous Laugh
I gotta know right now
Before you roll any damage
Did he hit me,
I wear +2 Studded Leather!!?
DM:
Let me think on that
Dennis, Dennis let me think on that
Let me read on it
And I’ll give you my answer in a moment
Let me think on that
Dennis, Dennis let me think on that
Let me read on it
And I’ll give you my answer in a moment
Let me think on that
Dennis, Dennis let me think on that
Let me read on it
And I’ll give you my answer in a moment
Dennis:
I gotta know right now!
Did he hit me?
Even with my high armor
And Dex bonus?
And after I’ve been hasted?
Is he casting True Seeing so he knows where I am?
Cause my Invisible status should get me out of this jam!
I gotta know right now!
Before I go any further
Did he hit me?
Can his sword penetrate leather?
DM:
Let me think on that
Dennis, Dennis let me think on that
Let me read on it
And I’ll give you my answer in a moment
Let me think on that!!!
Dennis:
Will it penetrate Leather?
DM:
Let me think on that?
Dennis:
Will it penetrate Leather?
DM:
I just can’t take it any longer
You’re driving me crazy!!
So you’re going to abide by the DM ruling I made,
The Death Knight cuts you down, you’re in an early grave
And a Kender takes your shiny sword!
That’s right, some vapid Kender made off with your sword!!
Dennis:
So now I’m rolling up another guy
To replace the Bladesinger that died
His name is Baltazar and he’s a level 6
With a rusty short sword at his side.
I guess I learned my lesson ‘bout who runs this game
But losing that sword was really such a shame!
Rolling up another guy
It’s all that I can do
Rolling up another guy so I can play next month with you
DM:
And now the Mage surrenders and the Death Knight’s dead,
You find 1,000 gold pieces under his bed
Dennis:
You could use that money
If it’s all the same
To have me resurrected
And get my sword back again
Does This Really Have to Hurt Me?
To the tune of Culture Club’s “Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?”
Roll the Die
To see how much this time
I could use a Heal
I have hacked into my thigh
What a crappy deal!
Does this really have to hurt me?
Does this fumble have to count this time?
Back to back ones
Blows that hurt me
Taking damage with a sigh
Missed attack
My long sword fumbled
Roll my damage
Take a scar
Blows that cut, Blows that dismember
Lost an ear
My face is marred
Does this really have to hurt me?
Does this fumble have to count this time?
Does this really have to hurt me?
Does this fumble have to count this time?
Roll a one
My sword is broken
Now I try to hide my tears
Back to back ones
Curses spoken
Time to grab another beer
I’ve been damaged but believe me
You will rue
Those rolls so low
Throw these dice, in fits of temper
I’m prepared to let them go
Scar on face, ear out of place
What else can I maim?
Next crit miss will take off my leg
My Elf will then be lame
Does this really have to hurt me?
Does this fumble have to count this time?
Does this really have to hurt me?
Does this fumble have to count this time?
Does this really have to hurt me?
Does this fumble have to count this time?
Does this really have to hurt me?
Does this fumble have to count this time?
Does this really have to hurt me?
Does this fumble have to
count this time?
I Had to Run for my Life
To the tune of "I Had the Time of My Life" Jennifer Warnes and Bill Medley
Magog: Now I…had…to run for my life
Cause that Golem stands ‘bout 12 foot four
with 6 more in the room
and we’re guaranteed to lose
Guy Mandude: Cause I had to run for my life
So make a hole, I’m coming through
Elviso: I’ve been fighting for so long
That I know just when a win is not to be
Toki: I saw the writing on the wall
Now I feel the growing urge to up and flee
All: Now with panic in our eyes
We run from the Ancient Dragon quietly
Let’s avoid a big surprise
As we creep out of the cave before he sees
Leonious: Just remember
Ahz: You’re no coward
Elviso: Fleeing the Tarrasque when he comes
Magog: If you stand and fight him,
All: You must be dumb, because;
I had to run for my life
Cause that Storm Giant is dressed f