Our Stories - Continued 2
Chickpea and the Minotaurs
Co-Op Story
Chickpea Fendersmack was having a great day. So far he "found" a holy sword, a diary from some old Paladin covered in dried blood and now had a whole bag of potions. However, his favorite find of the day was the soul bottle of the mighty mage Delbert Zapnkil!
Chickpea: Oh gee whiz! When I shake this thing, it glows and gets real agitated!
Delbert: <From his tower> What the?!?!!!!!! A Friggin' Kender found my soul bottle!?!?!
For several days Delbert pored over his tomes of Ancient Magic. His feud with Cuthbert Arcane of the Brittle Talon had resulted in his being sealed in his own tower, Cuthbert having replaced his door with a portal to the Dimension of the randy Baatezuu. Every time Chickpea shook the Soul Bottle (which happened every 5 minutes) Delbert would erupt into hiccups. With only a small window to look out of Delbert relied on his familiar Makima the Capuchin Monkey to fetch his spell components. After days of reading and hiccups Delbert had Makima found a spell to free his Soul Bottle. Ordering Makima to fetch a sprig of Red Moss (his only missing component) Delbert prepared the incantation.
Taking his ancient copy of the Kendronomicon he began to read aloud, throwing in spell components as he chants;
Delbert: Habeas Corpus Nabiscus Shreddus Wheatus Daeious Fredolicious, Kenderificus headus explodalerous, deathus tous Kenderuses, stupidus freakingusalerous ADDus freakus.
In the distance many miles away Chickpea Fendersmack begins to twitch. His party, a group of 6 Chaotic Neutral Fighters and Thieves who are already at their wits end with the Kender are attempting to plunder a Minotaur temple that they thought deserted. When they arrived they found a contingent of 50 Minotaur warriors guarding the sacred Horn of Theseus, Minotaur Artifact. The party rounded the corner just as a squad of well armed Minotaur Sentries entered the corridor. They had just enough time to duck behind a large pillar to avoid being seen. Now the party was trapped, and as their eyes desperately searched around the room for an escape Delbert's spell took effect. At that moment Chickpea was preparing to shake the Soul Bottle for the four jillionth time, his vapid Kender eyes full of wonder and awe. As he shook the bottle he erupted into a loud and explosive series of hiccups. The Minotaurs halted and snapped to attention. They stood frozen for a moment, glancing around the room, not sure if they had really heard anything over the sound of their own heavy hoof beats. As they prepared to move along Chickpea shook the Soul Bottle again. His hiccups came in loud short yelps of "Heyguyshowsitgoing!". The Minotaurs charged in the direction of the pillar, axes held at the ready.
Grizznox the Dwarf: Oh, nice going, fool!
Scarbrous the Mighty: Will someone shut that thing up!!
Chickpea Fendersmack: <Hic> Heyguyshowsitgoing! <Hic> Heyguyshowsitgoing!
Lothar the Barbarian: I told you we should have killed him in his sleep!!!! But, noooooooooooo....
The party tries to make a break for it but is surrounded by Minotaurs.
Chickpea Fendersmack: <approaching the Minotaurs> Hey guys how's it going! Hey! Are those horns on your head? Are you cow people? Where's your udders? I had a cow once but she ran away because I never shut up and she tried to poison my milk and so I asked her "Hey Guys How's it going!" and then she kicked over the milk stool with me on it and it hurt pretty bad so I tried to get my hoopback out but a squirrel had taken it and I tried to fight it for my weapon but it was too strong and I got beat up and then.....
The head Minotaur looks at Chickpea, and with a sudden loud grunt cleaves him in two with his axe. The other Minotaurs fall on the rest of the party, goring, trampling and hacking them. Minutes later the carnage is being cleaned up, and the mangled bodies, gear and all, are being thrown into the Temple Furnace.
Delbert, watching with his Pallantir, stands helplessly as the Kender and his pack are thrown in. As the bottle begins to melt Delberts soul is released into the flames. Delbert himself begins to smolder, and then explodes in a giant fireball.
Player Versus Player
Aw, c'mon! My Minotaur Ranger with his +2 axe would whoop your Dwarf Paladin, even if he's wearing that +2 plate mail!
Everyone has been in a group where two or three of the members argue about who has the "toughest" character. Usually the fighter types but sometimes even a Mage or Cleric will get into the act. We decided to write a few stories about what we think would happen in PvP situations with our characters. See if you can decide who actually wrote each story...
Magog the Paladin vs. Guy Mandude the Mage
Two men face each other from across a circular arena. A raucous audience screams their allegiance to one combatant or the other, fervent in the belief that their hero will be triumphant. A quick scan around reveals a full arena, the rising scent of mutton-on-a-stick and the sweet & sour odor of ale permeates the air. Large banners adorn the walls alerting all attending that it is "Orphan Day" at the stadium. This is evident by the thousands of bobbing little round heads seen throughout the stadium.
In the arena itself we have an interesting match-up for the 4th battle of the day. A tall and thin man apparently wearing no armor stands on one side, just outside the doorway where he entered the stadium. He has a long gnarled staff in his right hand and an old, leather-bound book cradled in his left arm. A crooked smile affixes his face as he looks in the general direction of his opponent. Sandals adorn his large feet and a medallion lays crookedly on his chest attached to a platinum colored chain around his neck.
Across the way stands a magnificent specimen of a man. Tall, with broad-shoulders and finely chiseled arms, this man is definitely a fighter. A closer examination reveals holy symbols engraved in his obscenely shiny armor and a large chin jutting out of his helmet. This man is definitely a Paladin. The Paladin draws his jewel-hilted sword out of its scabbard with a single swift motion and holds it up to the audience. Screams of adoration intertwined with a few boos and catcalls explode out as the entire audience takes to its collective feet. The Paladin touches his blade to his left thumb with the slightest of pressure and smiles at the blood.
Magog II: <With a booming, loud voice> Today your reign of terror ends, mage!
The mage looks as hard as he can in the general direction of the voice as if he's trying to make out where it came from. Propping his staff against his body, he moves his hands in a peculiar motion. Soon a large mouth appears near the Paladin.
Magic Mouth: <Seemingly looking to the left of the Paladin> I've endured your insults for the last time, Chin! Meet your doom in the middle!
Guy Mandude the Mage starts towards the middle, his finger all atwitter.
Magog II: Ailiss! My warhorse, to me!
As he's calling his warhorse, an event coordinator runs out of a niche in which he'd been standing. He's frantically waving his arms and seems quite perturbed. He runs up to the Paladin as he's putting his left foot in the stirrups, ready to mount his steed.
3rd Level Functionary: No no no I say! Please stop what you're doing! This battle is man to man! No beasts are allowed!
Magog II: This is no beast, my good man. This is a Paladin's warhorse. The two of us are as one! To deny a Paladin his steed is akin to denying a baby milk, the very sustenance of its life! You would not deny a baby milk, would you?
3rd Level Functionary: <Taken aback, his eyes glossing over> Why, no I guess not. Carry on. Please forgive my interference!
The Paladin charges toward the middle, his sword drawn, looking to end this battle with one swift strike. The Mage suddenly looks up at the Paladin with his fingers moving.
Magog II: Loose your fireball, you crazy Mage! Get it over so I can cut you down!
The Mage casts a spell and suddenly the warhorse falls asleep. The Paladin leaves the saddle violently and hits the ground head first, sliding 20 feet. His helmet cuts a furrow into the hard earth deep enough to plant crops. Ailiss lies on her side, snoring peacefully.
While the Paladin is down, the Mage works his way to the other side of him.
Magog II: <Getting up, dusting the dirt off his armor and pulling thick dirt and rocks from his visor> You'll pay dearly for that mage!
Guy Mandude: Higamus hobonus nabiscus shreddus wheatus….
He unleashes a mighty lightning bolt! The Paladin takes the full brunt of the attack but still stands. That can't be said for 4 people in the stands. 3 of them regain their feet with dazed looks on their faces and are looking at a the 4th with horror. Gimpy! Get up Gimpy! Two other orphans in the stands poke Gimpy absentmindedly with sticks.
Magog closes with the Mage and attacks! A mighty blow connects with the Mage, doing serious damage. He swings again and suddenly his sword drops to the ground.
Guy Mandude: Higamus nabiscus shreddus wheatus raisinettes…
The Mage has cast fireball, centered 20 feet behind the Paladin! Wicked fire washes over the Paladin, burning his eyebrows and causing considerable damage to him. From a prone position, he immediately "Lays Hands" on himself, restoring color to his cheeks. The same can't be said for the 20 or more folks in the front 5 rows of the stands. The carnage is unbelievable. Suddenly, almost as one, the stands begin to empty into the stadium!
Guy Mandude: Back, back I say!
300 orphans with sticks, rocks and the Paladin's holy sword attack the mage, overwhelming him!
Magog II: I'm going to allow that...
Magog the Paladin vs. Toki the Cleric
DM: All right, the Paladin and the Cleric are 200 yards apart in the Arena. Paladin, you are not allowed to call your War Horse. Cleric, you are not allowed to use a ranged weapon. Ready? Fight!!
Toki: I cast Speak With Animals and confide in a passing squirrel that the Paladin flunked out of Ranger school. The squirrel giggles.......
Magog: Oh really?! I begin to advance.
DM: It will take you 2 rounds to close with the Cleric.
Magog: I have no intentions of closing right now.
DM: Okay, I will ask you at the beginning of next round what else you'd like to do. Cleric?
Toki: I'll bet he's going to fire some arrows, so I'm going to cast Entropic Shell. The Paladin now suffers a 20% chance of missing me with his arrows.
Magog: Dang!!!
DM: All right Paladin, it's your turn.
Magog: I'm going to fire at him anyway.
DM: Okay, roll percentiles. 20% or less and you'll miss. Roll more than a 20% and you can roll to see if you hit his armor class.
Magog: I rolled a 92%.
DM: Roll against his AC.
Toki: My AC is 18.
Magog: First roll <rolls die> hits 23. Second roll <rolls die> hits 19. You take 16 points of damage.
Toki: Pretty good. I'm going to cast Summon Kender I.
Magog: %*!! @$%# @!!!!!!!
DM: Is that you over there Paladin? Okay, tell me what the spell does.
Toki: <reading> " This spell summons a Kender to harass the enemies of the caster. The summoned Kender will chitter at the target, pick the targets pockets, drink his potions, handle his stuff and be underfoot...all during combat. The summoned Kender will believe the target to be his best friend in the whole world, and will speak cheerfully, constantly and high pitched to him. The target of the summoned Kender gets a -5 modifier to his attack rolls, and is 50% likely to come up empty handed when reaching for an item. When the Kender disappears after the duration of the spell it takes with it any item it was handling at the time the spell effect ran out."
DM: Ooooooo, good one! Okay, it takes you one full round to cast that, so the Paladin will have one round to close with you, or he can continue to fire arrows at you.
Magog: No, I'm going to draw my sword and charge.
DM: You'll reach him and get one attack in. Because he's casting the spell he will suffer a -2 to his AC for that attack due to his concentration level. But you will not interrupt his spell, and the Kender will be summoned by next turn.
Magog: <murmuring> Son of a beaching Kenders. Okay, I close, and hit <rolls die> an AC of 28?
Toki: You know that will hit......
Magog: Ah, so it will. Take <rolls die> 14 more points of damage. My second attack <rolls die> will miss you.
Toki: Ouch, I'm down to 18 hit points. My spell is done, so the Kender has been summoned.
DM: Okay, the air in front of the Cleric begins to shimmer, and Fortinbras Froglicker the Kender has appeared! Let's roll initiative with the Kender. If Magog wins he gets an attack of opportunity on both the Kender and the Cleric. If he loses the Kender gets an action, and then it's initiative between the Cleric and the Paladin.
Magog: 7
Toki: 5
DM: Paladin, take your attacks of opportunity.
Toki: Frick! I'm hurting already!
Magog: You're about to hurt a lot more, Kender lover. Fortinbras takes <rolls die> Natural 20!!! And I rolled a 6. So he takes 6, times 2 is 12, with my +8 strength he takes 20 points of damage. My attack against Toki <rolls die> will miss him.
DM: All right Cleric, your turn.
Toki: I'm going to cast Animal Messenger to have an Amoeba tell the Paladin that he sucks.
DM: Okay Paladin, it's Fortinbras' turn.
Fortinbras: Hey how's it going guys what are you guys doing fighting hey can I help you're my best friend Mr. Paladin your armor is so shiny can I hold your sword for a minute what do you have in your pack?
Magog: Oh, hey buddy! Say, would you mind taking my short sword and helping me kill this Cleric? Then we can go out for ice Cream!
Toki: Time out there, my man! I summoned the Kender, he can't be turned against me.
Magog: That's not at all what the rules said. It just said that Kender was summoned and would last for 9 rounds and would be my best friend. Sure, I'll take the -5 to attack, but 2 swords are better than one, right buddy?
Fortinbras: You bet, best friend!! <draws Paladin's short sword out of his pack>
Toki: Can I get a DM ruling on this?
DM: Hmmmmmmmmmm. I'm going to allow this. The Paladin is right, the spell doesn't stipulate that the Kender can't be turned against the caster. I'd say you need to take this up with the short sighted fool that wrote this spell.
Toki: <glaring at Magog> Oh.......I will.
DM: Okay, initiative.......
Magog the Paladin vs. Ahz the Rogue
Ahz the rogue and Magog the Paladin face each other.
DM: OK guys, you're in a stadium that's 200 yards from side to side and you're on opposing sides. I'll allow you each 5 minutes to prepare!
Magog: I snort derisively at the utter preposterousness of this battle.
Ahz: I drink my potion of Improved Invisibility and ready my +2 short sword with the adder poison I purchased this morning.
Magog: Potions? He's got a potion of Improved Invisibility AND one of poison? DM, can I have a ruling on that?
DM: Yes, I'll make a ruling. <.5 seconds later> I'm going to allow it.
Magog: Of course, what was I thinking. OK, let's do this for real then! I call my warhorse Ailiss!
DM: You get a busy signal.
Magog: A ...busy signal?!? Oh wait a minute, I didn't MEAN to step on your foot by the pizza, DM. I did apologize. I try again to call Ailiss.
DM: You get a text message on the hilt of your sword saying she's busy getting "serviced" by Equus, the king of the Pegasi. She's rather busy. She does offer to send her protégé Scooter the donkey to take her place.
Magog: She's what?!?! Uh, I thought if I call my war horse she's supposed to just appear? I'm going to pass on um, Scooter.
DM: I think it's reasonable to assume that she'll be busy at least once in awhile. It's not ALL about you after all.
Magog: OK, fine. I draw my +1 sword and cast Holy Sword on it. It's now a plus 3 weapon, then I walk to the middle of the arena, eyes carefully scanning the ground, looking for dust to kick up or something that might indicate where Ahz is.
DM: A rock hits you upside the head. Take 1 point of damage.
Magog: I run to the place where the rock flew from, swinging my sword like a madman!
DM: I'll allow you to close the alleged spot and take one swing.
Magog: I roll a ...17! That'll hit like a 30!
Ahz: I employ my Uncanny Dodge natural ability, that'll miss!
DM: I'm going to allow this.
Ahz: I ask Magog who was your arms coach that your aim's so poor?
Magog: Um, yeah.
Ahz: I attempt to backstab with my poisoned short sword....a natural 20! Hoo hoo! Take...22 points of damage and roll vs. poison or lose 2d6 of Con per round for d6 rounds!
Magog: I rolled a 14. I saved.
DM: OK, you only take another 11 points of damage then.
Magog: Fine. I lays hands on myself.
DM: OK. Suddenly Ahz appears, 15 feet from you! He's sneering at you and making rude gestures! He's gesturing like he's mooning you and he breaks wind rather energetically. Roll to see if you smell it.
Magog: I um, rolled a 3.
DM: You smell it very strongly. It reminds you of year-old cabbage and fermented skunk spray.
Magog: That's it. I'm going to end this right now! I charge! I get a...
DM: Not so fast! You notice your feet are tied together! Roll vs. your Dex with a -6 penalty!
Magog: Uh, OK. I rolled...<quietly> a 1.
DM: OK, roll again!
Magog: I roll...a 2. Um, drat.
DM: You fall flat on your face and take ...7 points of damage and are stunned for 4 rounds!
Ahz: <Snickering> I pull out my rope and tie his arms behind his back and cut his belt. Then I pull out this magic scroll I found and start reading the text!
DM: As a Rogue you have a 50/50 chance of reading a magic scroll. Roll percentiles!
Ahz: I rolled a 53!
DM: You didn't specify which half you were rolling for so I'll allow that you meant the upper half.
Magog: Oh that is so wrong...
DM: Suddenly 4 randy Umberhulks appear! The look of love is in their eyes...
Magog: 4 of them? What kind of spell is that? Wait, this sounds familiar...
DM: Yes, 6 of them. All 8 notice the Paladin on the ground. You sense they're "aroused"...
Ahz: I'm going to climb into the stands and get a few dozen beers and a good seat. I yell how do you like it, Paladin! I'm going to look through his pack. Anything good?
DM: After a brief "pecking order" squabble, the Umber Hulks line up behind you. You notice that 2nd in line is a War Donkey. You instinctively know his name is "Scooter"...
Elviso vs. Magog Take 1
DM: OK, Elviso and Magog II are in an arena that is 200 yards across, they're at opposite ends. You each have 3 minutes to get ready!
Elviso: I'm casting mage armor, shield and protection from arrows on myself.
Magog: I'm going to stand here and shoot arrows at him, to soften him up.
DM: I'm going to allow this.
Elviso: Magic missile...12 points of damage!
Magog: Arrow - natural 20! Take 22 points of damage!
Elviso: <To himself and DM> nullified.
Magog: The 2nd arrow hits a 28?
Elviso: Missed. MM again....11 points of damage!
Magog: Screw this, I'm charging...
DM: Elviso, If you're not charging also to meet him in the middle you'll get three actions before he gets to you and then a free attack once he reaches you.
Elviso: Sweet. First, my 3rd and final MM....9 points of damage. Arrow/arrow/arrow/arrow, let's see. Base attack of 9 + dex bonus means I need a 6 or higher to hit. Roll/roll/roll/roll.... 3 hits for a total of 19 points of damage.
Magog: #*$*$%!!! I've just reached him and I'm going to cast heal on myself.
DM: Not so fast. You just moved into Elviso's melee range, he gets a free attack, wait a second. Elviso, was your sword out?
Elviso: I have the Quick Draw feat.
DM: Oh, never mind.
Elviso: Let's see, first attack I need a two or higher (9+5+3+1) and rolled a 13 for d8+10 damage so....15 points of damage.
DM: OK guys, roll initiative.
Elviso vs. Magog Take 2
DM: OK, Elviso and Magog II are in an arena that is 200 yards across, they're at opposite ends. You each have 3 minutes to get ready!
Elviso: I'm casting mage armor, shield and protection from arrows on myself
Magog: I'm calling for my War Horse, which will give me her 45 hit points to use as my own, as well as give her MY hit points.
Elviso: I'm going to fire Magic Missiles.
DM: Okay, roll for Damage.
Elviso: <rolls dice> 12!
Magog: I draw my sword and charge.
DM: The arena is 200 yards long, so you can close this turn, cause trample damage, and attack the next turn.
Magog: Okay. My horse is wearing spike war horseshoes, so each hoof causes D4 damage.
DM: I'm going to allow this.
Elviso: I'm going to attempt to Dodge.
DM: There is no avoiding this lightning steed.
Magog: I'm running over the top of Elviso now. He takes <rolls die> 16 points of damage!!!
Elviso: Come on!
DM: Elviso, you have to get up from the ground as a half turn, and you can close with Magog who is sitting on his horse 8 feet from you as the second half of your turn. You can attack next turn.
Elviso: Can I close with him if I get up and charge?
DM: I'll allow it.
Magog: My horse crapped all over the place as he trampled Elviso.
DM: Okay, Elviso, roll percentiles to see if you slip on crap. I'll give you a 75% chance of avoiding it.
Elviso: I rolled a 94.
DM: You slip and fall on your back.
Elviso: Crap!
DM: Exactly. Magog, you get an attack of opportunity if you use your horse to trample him again.
Magog: I'll take it. And I rolled <rolling die> another 16!
DM: Now you're right next to him, it's your turn.
Magog: I'm going to swing my +1 Long Sword at him. A 29 will hit.............for 16............and for my second...Natural 20!
DM: Roll your crit.
Magog: <rolls> No crit. Take...........another 16 points of damage.
Elviso: What kind of die are you rolling for Damage? An all-8 eight sider?
Magog: Uh.......no. Mind your own business.
DM: Magog, because you were attacking from an elevated place you get a height differential bonus of x2 on your damage.
Elviso: That makes me -46.
Magog: I'd say I won then.
DM: You are indeed victorious. Well won, Paladin!!! Yours is the superior class!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Or it could go like this..........
DM: OK, Elviso and Magog II are in an arena that is 200 yards across, they're at opposite ends. You each have 3 minutes to get ready!
Elviso: I'm casting mage armor, shield and protection from arrows on myself.
Magog: I'm going to have a seat, fish some provisions out of my pack, and have a leisurely lunch.
Elviso: Ooooooooooooooooookay. I'm going to draw my sword and run toward the Paladin.
Magog: I'm going to glance in Elviso's general direction with an unconcerned air.
DM: Okay, I'm going to say Elviso can close in 2 rounds and get in 2 attacks. Paladin, it's your turn.
Magog: I'm going to macramé a new pot holder for our campfire pot. My last one caught fire.
DM: Good action. Okay, Elviso, you're there. Do your attack.
Elviso: I'm going to swing my sword for <rolls die>...............I fumbled.
DM: Roll again to see if you get a crit.
Elviso: <rolls die> I got a 3.
DM: Because you rolled so low you swing your sword and it hits the ground 16 inches away from the lunching Paladin. The tip of your sword bounces off of a rock and strikes you. Roll damage.
Elviso: Um, 8.
DM: Did you factor your strength bonus?
Elviso: Um, 18.
DM: Okay. The sword has bounced off of the ground clipped you in the forehead and dropped almost half of your hit points. You are stunned for <rolls die> 4 rounds.
Magog: I'm going to stand up and push him over.
DM: Roll over a 5 and he's down.
Magog: I rolled an 18.
DM: Elviso falls down so hard he soils himself.
Elviso: Hey!!!
Magog: I stand over his prostrate form with my foot on his chest and my sword stuck in the ground next to him. The very vision of the Righteous Conqueror.
DM: The crowd goes wild with laud and approval. You are pelted with roses and frilly garments as you stand in the pose of victory.
Elviso: I hate you both.
DM: Then take 8 points of damage.
Or...
DM: OK, Elviso and Magog II are in an arena that is 200 yards across, they're at opposite ends. You each have 3 minutes to get ready!
Elviso: I cast Mage Armor and Haste on myself.
Magog: I call for my War Horse Ailiss.
DM: She has arrived.
Magog: I mount her and draw my sword. I put the sword to my helmet in salute and charge the Bladesinger.
Elviso: I hold my sword at the ready and stand my ground.
DM: Magog, you should be by the Bladesinger now.
Magog: As I near Elviso I lean right in my saddle, my sword raised over my shoulder, ready to deliver a mighty cleave.
Elviso: I prepare to Dodge, Parry and Thrust....
DM: As you prepare to engage in melee a Kobold wanders out onto the field. He has one arm in a sling, a patch over his left eye and has a pronounced limp. He is also carrying a white flag and asking to surrender.
Guy Mandude: <from the stands and after his fifth tankard of beer> A Kobold!!!!! My friends are in danger!!!
The Kobold reaches Elviso and Magog, and Magog accepts his surrender. Magog and Elviso are facing the Kobold with their backs to the stands.
Guy Mandude: It looks like he's surrendering, but it could be a trick. I'm Neutral, so better to be safe than sorry. Fireball !!!!
Magog and Elviso hear Guy yell and turn around. A look of terror spreads across their faces as the Fireballs explode into them. Ailiss is killed, and the Kobold, shielded by Magog and Elviso, is barely alive. Magog and Elviso are flat on their backs, blackened and badly injured.
Magog: <weakly> What the......
Just then the Kobold stirs. Guy's sharp eyes pick up the feeble motion.
Guy Mandude: <rolling up sleeves> Still alive, eh? Lightning Bolt!!!!!
Magog and Elviso weakly raise their arms over their heads for protection as 1.21 Jigowatts of electricity rips through their bodies, making them jerk and convulse. the Kobold explodes in a blue puff of smoke. Elviso is reduced to -78 hit points and Magog's armor is melted permanently to him.
DM: I declare Guy Mandude to be the winner!!
Guy Mandude: <rubbing his hands together> Smite evil and be victorious in battle? Sounds like a win-win proposition!
And...
DM: OK, Elviso and Magog II are in an arena that is 200 yards across, they're at opposite ends. You each have 3 minutes to get ready!
Elviso: I'm going to get comfy on the ground and gaze at my sundial watch with a bored expression.
Magog: In a fit of righteous indignation I'm going to charge him with my chin set just so <shows DM and Elviso> to inspire fear of my Lawful rage.
DM: Ohhhhhh K.
Elviso: I'm going to pull out a hand mirror and wait.
DM: OK, Magog. You get to Elviso. What are you going to do?
Magog: I'm going to immediately demand his surrender on behalf of ALL the lawful gods and all that is right as I am the people's champion and children all know my name and aspire to be like me! <Quieter> And my mom thinks I'm wonderful...
Elviso: I'm going to hand him the mirror and tell him there is a big pimple right in the middle of the cleft in his chin.
Magog: Great Scott!
Magog scrambles to hold onto the mirror while he scans his chin, even paying special attention to his obnoxiously white and straight teeth and starts to kid himself about how good he looks.
Magog: Awww, shucks! There's no pimple there! Oh gracious no! You're a pretty one, yes you are! Hey good looking, is that a holy sword or are you just happy to see me? Of course you're happy to see me! I'm Magog, just the bested most prettiest Paladin ever to grace the world with his righteous presence...
By this time Elviso has removed all the weapons from the Paladin, his breast plate, his left boot and has relieved him of his gold and platinum pieces, leaving just the 10% he needs for tithing.
Elviso: <From behind Paladin, clearing throat while holding sword up towards his head> Um, excuse me, Mr. Chin?
Magog: Oh curses. Not again.